After the death of a child, families may struggle with spiritual questions. Spiritual beliefs contribute to a sense of well-being and often provide purpose and meaning in life. It may be helpful to seek the support of family, friends, and/or a religious community, with which you feel comfortable. When a loved one dies, you may find your beliefs shaken, questioned or challenged. You may experience blame, guilt, or confusion, which may deepen your feelings of helplessness, sadness, or anger. These responses are part of a normal grieving process.
Personal spiritual practices such as rituals, blessings, prayer or readings may offer support and comfort to adults and children. You also may choose to create a sacred time and space in your home to share a ritual. Rituals may include symbols such as candles, water, flowers or stones. These symbols can honor the memory of your loved one and serve as a reminder of your spiritual beliefs and values. You can use words that help you share what you celebrate and mourn when someone dies.
You may add a simple lesson from a sacred book or read a special story with personal meaning to you. Finding ways of receiving and sharing this spiritual support can provide comfort to you and to others, including children. When someone dies, a child may ask difficult questions such as “Why did God let this happen?” or “Where is heaven?” Answering these questions should be done with honesty and sensitivity. Recognizing and respecting your child’s expression of sadness and anger may allow them to find their own way of coping.
A child’s spirituality is influenced by many factors including their developmental age, the influence of others, books, thoughts and traditions. Support and guidance from caregivers, other relatives, friends and teachers, along with your own personal beliefs, add to a sense of spirituality. Below is a guide to assist you in understanding how spirituality may influence the way a child experiences death.
Infants/Toddlers/Preschoolers (Birth–5 Years)
- Children at this age are comforted by your presence and care
- Their spirituality begins and develops from interactions with parents or other important adults (such as holding, comforting, sharing words, songs and stories, providing guidance and discipline)
- Children familiar with a religious setting may find comfort in the sights, sounds and smells found there
- A child familiar with an accepting religious community may find their company supportive
- They may ask questions like, “When I die, where will I go?”
School-age children (6–9 Years)
- Friendship becomes important for children at this age. They may experience God as a friend
- A story from a holy book or any other special nonreligious book may encourage your child to discuss their feelings about death
- Your child may relate to a character or person in a story or book. Sharing their thoughts and feelings about that character or person may be helpful
- Common questions and or statements might be: “I want to go to heaven”, “Why did they die?”, “Why can’t God make them better?”, “Am I being punished?”
Older School-age (9–12 Years)
- During this age, themes of fairness and justice may be important
- Children may question the existence, goodness, and fairness of God or the Sacred
- Tey may become angry at God or a higher power
- They may need to talk to you about their feelings
- They may need reassurance that their questions and feelings are normal
Adolescent (12–18 Years)
- Adolescents may question the spiritual beliefs with which they were raised. This questioning may help them to relate to spirituality in their own way
- Peers and other important relationships will influence their spirituality
- Support can come from their religious community and youth groups
Information provided here has been adapted from:
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